“Is This Normal?” (Let’s Talk About Kinks Like Leather — Without Shame, Assumptions, or Clinical Weirdness)

There’s a moment in therapy that happens more often than you’d think. A client shifts a little in their seat, lowers their voice, and says something like:

“So… this might sound strange, but I think I have a thing for leather.”

Or rope. Or being tied up. Or not being the one in charge. Or being the one in charge. Or sensory stuff. Or that one thing they don’t even know how to name yet.

And then they ask it—the Big Question that hides underneath all the nervous laughter and side-eyes:

“Is this normal?”

Let’s start there.

Yes. It’s normal. You’re not broken, deviant, or weird (at least not in the bad way). And you’re definitely not alone.

What Is a Kink, Anyway?

The word “kink” gets tossed around a lot, usually with a smirk. But what does it actually mean?

Simply put, a kink is any interest, activity, or dynamic that falls outside what’s typically considered “vanilla” or mainstream when it comes to connection, pleasure, or intimacy. And no, that doesn’t automatically mean it’s about sex.

Kinks can be sexual, but they’re not always.In fact, a whole lot of them are more about sensation, structure, identity, expression, or emotion than anything overtly sexual.

Here’s what that can look like in real life:

• Someone wears leather because it makes them feel powerful, grounded, or whole.

• Another person loves rope because the stillness and structure calms their nervous system like nothing else.

• Someone else might engage in a power exchange dynamic (consensual domination/submission) that has more to do with trust and emotional safety than with sex.
  

Some people play in kink spaces as part of sexual exploration. Others connect with kink as a lifestyle, a ritual, a comfort object, or a community role. And many folks? It’s all of the above, or none of it.

Kinks Are Normal, But Shame Is Loud

Most of us grew up in environments that didn’t exactly talk openly about sexuality, let alone kink. If they did talk about it, it probably wasn’t affirming.

So when someone finds themselves drawn to something like leather, restraint, or roleplay, it’s not uncommon for that little internal voice to start shouting:

“This must mean something’s wrong with me.”

Let’s be very clear here: liking kink doesn’t mean you’re damaged, disordered, or dangerous. It means you’re human. You have a body. A brain. A sensory system. A way of relating to the world that maybe doesn’t match the script you were given. That’s not shameful—it’s honest.

You Don’t Have to Be “Out” to Be Valid

Some people are open about their kink identities. You might see them at leather pride events, rope classes, or munches (casual meetups, often held in cafés or neutral spaces).

Others keep it deeply private. Some have never spoken it aloud. Some aren’t even sure what to call what they feel drawn to. And you know what? That’s okay.

There’s no one “right way” to engage with kink.

You don’t need to show up in full latex or have a FetLife profile to be real. You don’t have to talk about it in therapy (though you can). You don’t have to define it for anyone else.

You just get to be curious about yourself, in whatever way feels safe.

Is It Safe? Is It Healthy?

These are real, valid questions. And they’re important ones. Here’s the thing:

Kink—like anything else involving humans—is healthiest when it’s:

• Consensual

• Informed

• Legal

• Negotiated and respected

• Followed by aftercare (yes, aftercare is a thing, and no, it’s not weird—it just means tending to each other after intense experiences)
  

A lot of folks in kink communities use terms like RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink) or SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) to guide how they engage. The point is: informed, empowered adults exploring their own edges—safely and with care—are not doing anything “unhealthy.”

Why It Matters to Talk About This in Therapy

Because shame festers in silence. And silence keeps people from asking the real questions—the ones that matter most.

“Is it okay that this helps me feel safe?”

“Why does this feel like part of my identity?”

“Am I allowed to want this?”

“Can I like something intense and still be a good person?”

Therapy should be a place where you get to ask those questions out loud. Without flinching. Without apology.

And that includes conversations about kink, leather, power dynamics, impact play, or anything else that’s been sitting quietly in the corners of your life.

I’m not here to give you a green light or a red flag—I’m here to walk beside you as you sort through your own answers. With curiosity. With compassion. With zero judgment.

What About Leather Specifically?

Let’s talk leather for a moment.

Leather holds meaning in so many different ways. For some, it’s a sensual material—grounding, empowering, or simply aesthetically pleasing. For others, it’s a deeply symbolic part of queer culture and identity, especially within the gay and BDSM communities. It can signal belonging, rebellion, or reverence. It might even feel sacred.

And sometimes… it’s just a jacket. And that’s valid too.

The meaning isn’t in the object—it’s in the relationship you have to it.

If You’re Still Wondering...

Let’s answer a few of the most common questions I hear:

“Is this a trauma response?”

Sometimes. And sometimes not. Like most things in healing, it’s complicated. Kink can be a way of processing trauma, reclaiming agency, or soothing a dysregulated system. It can also just be part of your wiring. Neither is wrong. Let’s get curious together.

“Do I need to tell my therapist?”

Only if you want to. But you deserve a therapist who won’t flinch when you do. (Hint: Hi. It’s me.)

“Is this just a phase?”

Who knows? Maybe. Maybe not. But if it matters to you now, it matters. Let’s not skip over it just because we’re unsure what label to put on it.

A Few Resources to Explore, If You’re Curious

• Kink Aware Professionals Directory – A national directory of affirming therapists, doctors, and more

• Leather Archives & Museum – A rich history of leather and kink subcultures

• Embrace-Autism.com – For folks exploring the intersections of neurodivergence and kink identity

• Local “munches” or online discussion forums (Reddit, Discord, etc.) if and when you're ready for community

You’re Allowed to Be Complex

At Curious Mind Counseling, you don’t have to split yourself into “acceptable” and “not acceptable” parts.

You can show up messy, unsure, turned on, turned inward, totally buttoned up, or completely unzipped. Kink or no kink. Rope or no rope. Leather or lace or linen (honestly, whatever makes you feel most like you).

No one’s going to pathologize your pleasure here.

You don’t have to justify your curiosity.

And you definitely don’t have to hide.

You are safe here. All of you.

Whenever you’re ready to talk—I’ll be here. No shame. No labels. Just space.

🌐 www.curiousmindcounseling.com  📞 971-365-3642 ✉️ griffin@curiousmindcounseling.com