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Why Is It So Hard to Be Kind to Myself? Addressing Negative Bias

Have you ever felt like your mind focuses more on what’s going wrong than what’s going right? Like you replay mistakes over and over, but forget the good things people say about you?

That’s not just you. That’s something called negative bias, and it’s something we all have—especially if we’ve been hurt in the past or live in a world that treats us unfairly.


Woman with curly hair sits on bed, holding teddy bear, looks distressed. Background is softly lit with sheer curtains, creating a somber mood.

What Is Negative Bias?

Negative bias means your brain pays more attention to danger or bad things. A long time ago, this helped people stay alive. If you remembered which plants made you sick or which people hurt you, you had a better chance of surviving.

But today, this survival brain often turns on when there’s no real danger. Instead of running from wild animals, we’re dealing with racism, immigration worries, anti-LGBTQ+ laws, poverty, or just trying to feel safe in our own bodies.

Our brains still hold onto fear and pain more than love and praise—especially if we grew up in homes or systems that didn’t treat us with care.

How It Hurts Our Self-Talk

Negative bias shows up in how we talk to ourselves.

You might think:

  • I’m not good enough.

  • I’ll never belong.

  • I mess up everything.

If you’re a Black, Brown, or immigrant person, or if you’re queer or trans, you may have been told those messages directly or indirectly your whole life. Over time, you start to believe them—even if they’re not true.


Person sitting on a gray sofa with head down, arms resting on knees. Closed blinds and a green plant in the background. Mood: somber.

How the World Makes It Worse

We live in a time where fear and hate are often used to control people. Some leaders and news outlets use fear on purpose—to keep people angry or distracted, and to stay in power.

They tell lies about immigrants. They say LGBTQ+ people are unsafe. They blame poor families for being poor. These messages are loud and everywhere, and they feed our negative bias.

If you already live with trauma, it’s even harder to not believe them.

This hurts people of color, immigrant families, disabled folks, LGBTQ+ communities, and others who are already pushed to the edges of society. It’s not fair—and it’s not your fault.

What Helps

Here are some small steps that can make a big difference:

  • Notice the negative thoughts instead of believing them right away.You can say, That’s a fear voice, not a truth voice.

  • Ask yourself what else could be true.Like: Maybe I made a mistake, but I’m still learning. Or: I do deserve care.

  • Surround yourself with voices that lift you up.Therapy can help. So can friends, books, music, and spaces that see your full worth.

  • Remember: Your pain makes sense.If you’ve been hurt by family, by systems, by laws, or by the way people see you—it makes sense that your brain learned to protect you by expecting the worst.

But you don’t have to stay stuck in those thoughts.

Close-up of hands on chest wearing a white shirt, evoking a calm, introspective mood. Background is softly blurred.

You Are Not the Problem

If you struggle with self-worth, please know this:You are not broken. You are living in a world that often tells people like you to shrink, to hide, or to be silent.


At Curious Mind Counseling, we believe you deserve better.We offer trauma-informed therapy that honors your full story, your culture, and your identity. We support individuals navigating CPTSD, childhood trauma recovery, attachment wounds, immigration stress, and LGBTQ+ mental health challenges.


If you're looking for trauma therapy in Florida or LGBTQ+ counseling in Oregon, we’re here for you—compassionately, and without judgment.

📞 Call or text: 971-365-3642 📧 Email: info@curiousmindcounseling.com 🌐 www.curiousmindcounseling.com



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Want to explore therapy with someone who truly gets it? Reach out anytime. Your story matters—and we’re here to walk with you through it.


 
 
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