Religious Trauma: When Faith Hurts—and How Healing Can Begin

For many people, religion is a source of meaning, connection, comfort, and hope. It can provide community, structure, moral grounding, and a sense of belonging. Research consistently shows that healthy religious or spiritual involvement can be protective for mental health, associated with lower rates of depression, substance use, and suicide for many individuals (Koenig, 2012).

And still—this matters just as much—religion can also cause real harm.

Both can be true at the same time.

If you are carrying pain connected to religion, faith, or spiritual authority, you are not alone—and you are not imagining it. Religious trauma is a well-documented phenomenon, and healing from it is possible.

What religious trauma is (and what it isn’t)

Religious trauma refers to the psychological, emotional, relational, and sometimes physical harm that can occur when religious beliefs, practices, or authority structures are experienced as coercive, shaming, frightening, or controlling. While not yet a standalone DSM diagnosis, religious trauma is increasingly recognized in trauma research and clinical practice, particularly within the framework of complex trauma (Courtois & Ford, 2013).

Common elements include:

• Chronic fear of punishment, hell, or divine rejection

• Shame-based teachings about the body, desire, or identity

• Suppression of curiosity, doubt, or independent thought

• Loss of autonomy over relationships or life choices

• Conditional love framed as moral or spiritual necessity
  

Religious trauma is not about “hating religion” or rejecting faith out of rebellion. Many people who experience religious trauma were deeply committed, sincere, and devoted. The harm lies in impact, not intent.

When religion becomes a weapon or a tool of control

Religion can be used—intentionally or unintentionally—to regulate behavior and enforce conformity. Research on high-control groups shows that psychological harm increases when belief systems rely on fear, obedience, and unquestioned authority (Lalich & Tobias, 2006).

This often looks like:

• Moral absolutes used to end conversation or critical thinking

• Fear-based motivation rather than consent or understanding

• Authority figures presented as divinely protected from challenge

• Spiritual consequences used to police identity or behavior
  

For children, these dynamics are especially damaging. Developmental psychology shows that children rely on caregivers and authority figures to form their sense of safety and self. When love or belonging is threatened in the name of faith, the nervous system adapts through fear and hypervigilance (van der Kolk, 2014).

“Different” children are harmed at higher rates

Children who are LGBTQ+, neurodivergent, highly sensitive, questioning, or nonconforming are disproportionately impacted by harmful religious environments.

Research consistently links religious rejection of LGBTQ+ youth to higher rates of depression, anxiety, substance use, and suicidality—especially when rejection comes from family or faith communities (Ryan et al., 2009; The Trevor Project, 2023).

Many parents and religious leaders believe they are acting out of love or protection. That intention does not negate the harm of being told—explicitly or implicitly—that who you are is sinful, broken, or dangerous.

High-control and extremist religious systems

Certain religious systems operate with especially rigid boundaries around thought, behavior, information, and relationships. Individuals who leave high-control environments—including fundamentalist sects, insular religious communities, or authoritarian belief systems—often experience symptoms similar to survivors of other forms of coercive control (Lalich & Tobias, 2006).

Long-term effects may include:

• Persistent guilt or fear after making independent choices

• Difficulty trusting one’s own thoughts or intuition

• Social isolation after loss of community

• Identity confusion and grief
  

Leaving does not automatically bring relief. For many, it initially brings emptiness.

The grief and estrangement that follow leaving

Disengaging from a religious system often involves profound loss:

• Loss of certainty and clear answers

• Loss of built-in community and ritual

• Loss of shared language with loved ones
  

Estrangement is common when family members remain deeply invested in the belief system. Former members may be viewed as “lost,” morally compromised, or spiritually unsafe. Research on religious disaffiliation highlights the emotional toll of relational rupture and ambiguous loss—grief without closure (Foster & LaForce, 2012).

That grief deserves to be taken seriously.

Healing is slow because the harm was layered

Religious trauma often unfolds over years, beginning in childhood and reinforced through authority, repetition, and fear. Healing from it is not quick—and that is not a failure.

Trauma research shows that long-term relational trauma requires time, safety, and integration, not willpower (Courtois & Ford, 2013).

Healing commonly involves:

• Relearning trust in one’s own body and judgment

• Tolerating uncertainty without panic

• Untangling shame from identity

• Developing self-compassion where fear once lived
  

There is no timeline. There is only forward movement, even when it’s quiet.

Identifying and managing religious trauma triggers

Triggers related to religious trauma may include:

• Religious language, music, or rituals

• Moral absolutism or authoritarian tone

• Being told you are “loved” conditionally

• Situations involving judgment or evaluation
  

Managing triggers begins with recognition, not self-criticism. Grounding techniques, boundary-setting, and trauma-informed therapy help retrain the nervous system to recognize present safety rather than past threat (van der Kolk, 2014).

Spiritual without being religious

Healing does not require abandoning spirituality.

Some people heal by stepping away from all spiritual frameworks. Others reclaim spirituality in ways that emphasize connection, meaning, and compassion without hierarchy or fear. Research distinguishes intrinsic spirituality—internally guided and values-based—from extrinsic or authoritarian religion, which is linked to poorer mental health outcomes when rigid or punitive (Koenig, 2012).

You are allowed to keep what nourishes you and release what harmed you.

Rebuilding life after leaving

Leaving a religious system often means rebuilding from the ground up:

• Forming values based on empathy rather than fear

• Allowing joy without guilt

• Practicing acceptance of self and others

• Learning that morality can exist without punishment
  

Shame does not vanish overnight. It fades as lived experience proves that love does not need to be earned.

Compassion without self-abandonment

It is possible to hold compassion for loved ones who remain in extreme belief systems while still protecting yourself. Compassion does not require debate, compliance, or emotional harm.

Boundaries are not cruelty. They are care—for you.

A final word

If religion once told you who you were supposed to be, healing is about discovering who you already are—without fear, without shame, without needing permission.

You are not broken for questioning.You are not ungrateful for naming harm.You are not lost for choosing yourself.

Healing from religious trauma is an act of courage.

Boundaries are not cruelty. They are care—for you.

Griffin Oakley, MSCP, NCC, LMHC, LPC

Founder & Therapist, Curious Mind Counseling 🌐 www.curiousmindcounseling.com  📞 971-365-3642 ✉️ griffin@curiousmindcounseling.com

About the Author

Griffin Oakley is a licensed trauma-informed therapist practicing via telehealth in Oregon and Florida. Their work focuses on complex trauma, identity development, attachment, and helping clients heal from systems that taught them to fear themselves. Curious Mind Counseling is an affirming, inclusive practice welcoming LGBTQ+ individuals, neurodivergent clients, and those navigating spiritual or religious harm.