Perfectionism Isn’t a Strength—It’s a Survival Strategy
- Griffin Oakley
- 9 hours ago
- 4 min read
Perfectionism gets a lot of praise in our culture. It sounds productive. Responsible. Impressive.
People say it like a compliment: “I’m such a perfectionist.”
But perfectionism isn’t excellence. It isn’t dedication. And it isn’t a personality quirk.
Perfectionism is a protective strategy—one that often costs far more than it gives.
What Perfectionism Actually Is (and What It Isn’t)
Perfectionism is often misunderstood, so let’s slow this down.
Brené Brown, whose research focuses on shame, vulnerability, and resilience, defines perfectionism this way:
“Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.”— Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
That definition matters, because it reframes perfectionism as fear-based, not achievement-based.
Perfectionism says:
If I get this right, I’ll finally be safe.
If I do more, no one can criticize me.
If I’m flawless, I won’t be rejected.
And that’s a heavy burden to carry.
Where Perfectionism Comes From
Perfectionism rarely appears out of nowhere. It usually develops in environments where:
Love or approval felt conditional
Mistakes were met with criticism, withdrawal, or shame
Achievement was rewarded more than authenticity
Emotional needs were minimized or ignored
For many people, perfectionism began as a smart adaptation.It helped you survive, belong, or stay out of trouble.
The problem is that what once protected you now keeps you trapped.
The Toll of Chasing the Unachievable
Perfectionism sets an impossible standard—and then punishes you for not meeting it.
Over time, this can lead to:
Chronic anxiety and burnout
Persistent self-doubt
Difficulty resting without guilt
Shame when things go well (“They’ll figure me out”)
A constant sense of falling behind, no matter how much you do
This is why perfectionism so often travels with imposter syndrome and low self-esteem.
You can achieve objectively impressive things and still feel:
Unworthy
Behind
Fraudulent
Dependent on external praise to feel okay
And here’s the cruel truth:No amount of validation ever satisfies perfectionism.
It behaves much like substance use—brief relief followed by an even stronger craving. The high fades quickly. The bar moves. The goalpost shifts.
“I’m Just a Perfectionist”… or Am I an Overachiever?
Most people who call themselves perfectionists are not, clinically speaking, perfectionists.
They are overachievers who:
Set high goals
Work hard
Care deeply
Value responsibility and follow-through
Overachievement becomes a problem only when it’s driven by fear, shame, or the belief that worth must be earned.
True clinical perfectionism shows up most clearly in Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD)—which is very different from OCD.
A Brief, Clear Look at OCPD
Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder is characterized by:
Rigid adherence to rules, lists, and structure
Unrealistic standards for self and others
Excessive devotion to work at the expense of relationships and rest
Difficulty delegating unless others do things exactly their way
Moral rigidity and harsh self-judgment
Deep, often unacknowledged shame
Perfectionism here isn’t about excellence—it’s about control.
And when these patterns go unexamined, they often get passed down.
When Perfectionism Becomes Generational
Children raised in ultra-high-standard environments often internalize powerful messages:
Mistakes are dangerous
Rest is laziness
Love follows performance
My needs come last
Even well-intentioned caregivers can unintentionally teach children that their worth depends on achievement.
The result?Adults who look functional on the outside but feel:
Chronically inadequate
Afraid to fail
Disconnected from joy
Exhausted by self-pressure
Striving Is Healthy. Perfectionism Is Not.
But here’s the part that rarely gets said:
If you overachieve in one area of life, you underachieve in another.
Usually the cost shows up in:
Sleep
Health
Relationships
Play
Emotional presence
Self-compassion
This imbalance eventually creates consequences—physical, emotional, or relational.
“Always Do Your Best” (Not More Than Your Best)
In The Four Agreements, the agreement Always Do Your Best is often misunderstood.
Your best is not:
Overworking
Ignoring limits
Proving your worth
Sacrificing health for approval
Your best changes day to day based on:
Energy
Capacity
Stress
Life circumstances
Overachievement is not your best—it’s an attempt to outrun shame.
A Kinder, More Sustainable Way Forward
Healing perfectionism isn’t about lowering your standards into apathy.
It’s about replacing impossible expectations with realistic ones.
That means:
Setting goals that are specific, achievable, and time-bound
Being honest about bandwidth
Accounting for rest as a requirement, not a reward
Practicing self-compassion when things don’t go as planned
You were never meant to be flawless.Neither was anyone else.
And you do not have to exhaust yourself to deserve rest, respect, or care.
You Are Already Enough
Perfectionism tells you:One more achievement and then you’ll be okay.
Healing teaches something quieter and truer:You were okay before you ever proved anything.
There is an easier, softer way to grow—one rooted in self-trust instead of self-punishment.
And it is available to you.
Griffin Oakley, MSCP, NCC, LMHC, LPC
Founder & Therapist, Curious Mind Counseling 🌐 www.curiousmindcounseling.com 📞 971-365-3642 ✉️ griffin@curiousmindcounseling.com
About the Author
Griffin Oakley is a licensed trauma-informed therapist practicing via telehealth in Oregon and Florida. Their work focuses on complex trauma, identity development, attachment, and helping clients heal from systems that taught them to fear themselves. Curious Mind Counseling is an affirming, inclusive practice welcoming LGBTQ+ individuals, neurodivergent clients, and those navigating spiritual or religious harm.
